Just had another one of those “alone in a crowded room” moments again today. A friend of mine moved away and was in town visiting. While I wanted to see him, I did not feel like being there at all. I was in a cloud. I tried to be happy and pleasant, but I wasn’t doing a very good job. I just sat there and stared while trying to be engaging. Then I started feeling anxious. My heart was pounding. When I couldn’t handle it anymore, I went home. I just felt depressed. I am feeling depressed, which is fitting because I have my SMI (Serious Mental Illness) interview tomorrow. I’ll see how that works out.
I wish I had a Christmas tree. Not an obscenely tall tree. Just a tiny tree that I can put on a table and lay my gifts under. Or even a Hanukkah tree! Those are fun.
I always wanted to be Jewish, and for awhile, I claimed to be. I remember my mother saying something about us being related to Cuban Jews and I thought, “I’m Jewish now! Another community of persecuted people!” Because gay and black weren’t enough. I figured the closer to 2012 we got, the more religious I would become, so Judiasm was in my eventual plan, so why not claim Jewish. It’s like telling people you’re a doctor before you finish med school. It’s a bit dumb, I know this. I want to be one of God’s Chosen People. I even bought menorahs and candles for myself to light on Hanukkah. I feel it’s a holiday to be enjoyed with family. I like to keep my religion to myself. Group/shared religion just seems to take all the credibilty out of it and makes it cheesy. So, I guess, I’m only trying to convince myself.
I just needed to get that off my chest.
Anyway, I want a tiny Christmas tree. I would name it Joe… Or something cute. Joe, the Christmas Tree has a nice ring to it.